Still trying

I am still going to the gym. I can't believe it. I haven't been perfect but I have been pretty good. Jennifer lost her job last week, it was very hard on all of us. But for the first time in my life I didn't feed her. I called her and had her spend the night with me. I told her if she would come over we would get up and workout together in the morning. WHAT??? I have never offered to workout with my daughter. NEVER!! To exercise through stress and not eat????? It was wonderful! We did our workout routine and then went down to the pool and walked and walked in the lazy river. We talked and laughed and felt great. I still can't believe it. Of course, par for the course I locked my key inside my locker with my purse!!! We both learned how to use bolt cutters that day! And we laughed about it!!

I have been trying to eat less and drink more water. I even took a bottle of water to the movies with me! I have never ever done that. I grab a bottle of water as I go out the door now instead of a can of pop. I am not perfect but I am better, I am trying.

Thanksgiving was yesterday. We stayed home all day. I did not overeat. I had and egg sandwich and a grilled cheese that day. No whining, no feeling sorry for myself. It was just another day and I chose to stay home and be alone. It was nice.

I realize that this will be the only way things will work for me. I am just trying to do better not diet. Yeah for me!!

OK I went to the gym, bitching the whole way. I didn't want to go but I am going anyway! I got out of the car and tripped on the sidewalk curb!! I fell down and landed on my left knee, both hands, and hurt my left shoulder. I couldn't believe I actually fell. I thought I was going to catch myself but I didn't. I sat there for along time, I couldn't get up. No one saw me. I finally inched my way over to the grill of the car and pulled myself up. I hobbled to the car and drove myself home. I hurt too bad to exercise. I came home took a shower and 2 Aleve. This bites!! I will go back. My left wrist is killing me and my hand throbs!! Grrrr it is just wrong to hurt yourself trying to get healthy!

starting again

I missed going to the gym while I was in Decatur. I did not use the treadmill in the hotel. I just couldn't do it. I was tired most of the time and just wanted to relax.

I came back on Friday and worked out on Sat. I was already out of shape. I wasn't able to do the bike afterward. I was glad I went though. I am going back today.

My eating is still not what I want it to be.

Weight 216

I started feeling better on Monday. I went to the gym early and did my workout. I only rode the bike for one mile again. My chest was hurting and I was beat red. I felt like I was pushing myself too hard. I was very proud of myself. I also checked into the hotel we are staying at in Decatur. It has a workout room and I was glad! WTF?? Me checking to see if they had a workout room??

Today is Thursday. I started feeling kinda crummy on Tuesday but I still bowled. I sweated like crazy.

By Weds I was sick again. I did not work out. I did not care.

I feel much worse today. My chest is hurting and it is scaring me. I need to go to the doctor. I talked with Jana tonight. She convinced me to cancel my party. I hated to do that but I really feel bad.

I just want to get better right now.

I woke up and I was still sick. This ridiculous! I am not going to get better sitting on the couch. I decided to go do my workout anyway. I was afraid to let anymore time go by w/o doing it. I went and did my whole workout plus 1 mile on the bike. I sweated like a pig. I wanted to sweat this crap out of my body. I WENT AND WORKED OUT WHEN I WAS SICK!! This is a good thing.

Today is Sunday and I am still sick but I am proud of myself.

I weighed 215 on Saturday.

Friday still sick...no working out until I am better. I pray this doesn't stop me from continuing on with my workout in the future. I was going to go on Weds but I got tripped up shopping with Steven and didn't make it back out. No excuses...just fact for right now. Crossing my fingers...

It is Weds and I was supposed to workout today. I am sick with some kind of crummy virus so I decided not to go today. I am coughing and I was afraid I would scare the people in the gym. There is so much crap going around now that everyone is scared to death of getting sick.

I did go out and get my hair done today though. She had an opening so I jumped on it. I didn't feel as bad as I sound. I did come home and take a nap. I also went by Culver's for a cheeseburger and peach ice cream. Not a good idea but very good tasting.

I hope I can get back to the gym quickly so I don't get out of the habit.

We will see.

Sooo Proud

I did it! I actually went and worked out on Saturday. I didn't let the fact that I wasn't perfect get in my way of continuing on my road to recovery. I still don't have my eating under control. I am still drinking diet pop.

Today is Monday and I had to get up at 5:15 am to take Mike to the airport. I went in my workout clothes. I stopped on my way home and worked out at 7:45!! I can't believe it! I am so proud of myself for working out. I am trying. I weighed this morning as I do every time I go...I weighed 220 lbs! That means I have gained 4 lbs. WTF!!!

I am not giving up...I will continue...I will try....I will get it together!!

I did go on Weds... I did the treadmill for 20 mins then all of the weight machines. I tried to do 2 miles on the bike but I could only do 1 mile...I had to push myself to do that. But I did it!! Yippee

Today is Friday and I was supposed to workout today but my niece is in town and both of my daughters were off work. We all spent the day together and went to the mall. I didn't get to walk enough to take care of my workout. I feel confused and scared. I am afraid since I wasn't 'perfect' and kept to my schedule of Mon Wed Fri that I messed up. I hate to be imperfect...

My plan is to go tomorrow to do my routine. I don't know if I can do it or not but I am going to try.

I am still not off diet pop completely...it is really hard. I am still eating cookies...this sucks. My pants are tight and I don't feel good in my clothes. Every time I wear something different I am afraid I am too big to get into them.

I hope I don't let myself down.

Hard to believe but I went to the HC on Friday and walked 1 1/2 miles on the treadmill! It helped because I had my headphones plugged in and I watched Law & Order. It really kept my mind busy. I was so proud of myself! I walked at 2.9 mph and it took me 40 mins. WooHoo.

I still can't control my eating yet. But I believe it will fall into place soon. It is like I can only do one thing at a time.

I decided to not do volunteer work right now. I am committed to volunteer to workout 3 times a week instead. I am going to give to myself for a change. It is like going to work because I have made the commitment. I just make myself go. I don't want to go but I do anyway because I am depending on myself to show up.

I weighed 217 when I started now I weigh 219! I am not discouraged. I will continue to go because I want to feel better and be stronger.

Today is Monday and I went for my final evaluation. Melissa, the trainer, helped me work through my weight routine. I got there early and walked on the treadmill for 20 minutes first. After my routine I used the exercise bike and clocked 2 miles! It really helps for me to watch tv. I was sweaty and hot but I felt great that I did it. I called Anne and told her about my accomplishments. She was proud of me too.

I don't know how this is going to end up, but I plan to go back for more on Weds!

I hope this works.

Healthclub

Ok, I joined the Health Club in Belton. I attended orientation and learned how to use the machines and did a workout. Yea! Today I went bowling and then I went to the HC and walked one mile on the track. That is 12x around that track. I walked briskly. I did it! I did it! All by myself, I am sooo proud of myself. I didn't go buy ice cream afterward. I came home and had a low calorie ice cram bar!! I weighed 219 today. I am trying to cut back on my diet pop too. Cross your fingers for me! We will see, my heart isn't in it, I am just doing the motions right now. But that is better than sitting on the couch.

Sept 25 2009

Today I joined the Belton Health Club....it is a start. Now I have to go. I weigh 214 on my scale. I have cut way back on drinking diet pop at home. I am still eating too much. I went to see Dr Romaker, I expected her to ream me out about my weight but she didn't. I have been really depressed lately for no reason. I am sure it is a chemical imbalance. I am going to go see a phychatrist in Nov to find a good antidepressant for me. I want to start moving again. I am lazy and I just sit on my couch all the time. I am losing my mind. I am going to call to reschedule an appt for volunteer work. The doctor thought that it would be okay for me to do that. I hope I follow through. I am starting to feel like a slob again and I don't like that feeling. We will see what happens next.

Friday 8/6/09

I went to the doctor yesterday to get my yearly pelvic exam. I had to step on the scales there, 212!! Those scales are probaly accurate. I don't want to weight over 200lbs, so I need to do something NOW! Here I sit with my first Diet Sunkist of the day, I am sure that many will follow. Maybe today I can make a pitcher of Iced Tea. At least it is decaf, but I think the sweetener is the problem. It makes me hungry. I wonder if I went back to sugar like we had back in the olden days if it would create hunger. We have so many additives to our food now it is no wonder everyone has cancer and everyone is obese.

I see myself continuing to grow. I even shop that way knowing to buy big because I am going to need it. I am really depressed and I am ashamed of being depressed because I have a dream life. I am so lucky why would I do this to myself. I really think I need to go back to work but I don't think I will. I miss interacting with people. I am lonely. I am reliving my life with Frank in writing my blog. It is good to see how far I have come.

Monday

I know without a doubt I am addicted to Diet Sunkist...It is like being an alcoholic. I feel myself taking swigs of it and rolling it in my mouth like it is a fine wine or something. I have been watching TV a lot so I see tons of weight loss commercials. yet none of them appeal to me. I know that any diet you start the minute you stop it all comes back with more! I know that all I need to do is cut back and start moving. Now I am an intelligent person so why don't I just do it? I break so many promises to myself, I don't know why I even try.

I just keep growing. Why can't you get to a certain weight and then just maintain it? Why is it such a struggle? I know other people in my life that don't seem to struggle with food. How do they do it? Is this my cross to bear? If I could stay healthy I would be okay with it but I won't be healthy long at this rate.

I hate feeling this way. I hate getting up in the morning with nothing to do. I hate going to bed at night knowing that tomorrow will be just like yesterday. I hate whining because most people would kill to have my life.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Friday 7/31/09

I really have been trying to make better choices because I don't want to diet. I am up very late at night so that leaves lots of time to eat. I am trying to limit my Diet Sunkist to 2 a day for now. I have actually sat here at night with ice water. Good for me. I went bowling on Weds with Steph. It was so much fun to get out there and exercise. We shopped all day and split nachos for lunch at Chillis. Not a perfect day but a good day for me. It felt good just getting out of the house. I want to start volunteering at the hospital. It is just a matter of of commitment. I seem to have a big problem with that for some reason. It is like I think if I make a commitment something better will come along and I will miss it.

I weighed today 208, up one pound. We went to a late dinner last night with Jessica and Justin. I really enjoy being with them. I hope they get married soon. I don't know what the problem is but I want to stay out of it. I really don't know what I am going to do. I think I am waiting for a magic fairy to come along and touch me with her magic wand. I know I don't want to pay anymore for any surgery. It is a waste of money and selfish on my part. Mike keeps his weight off I should too. I will continue to try or at least try to get motivated.

Crossing my fingers for yet another day....

Tuesday

I got up the courage to weigh today...207. I want to lose 10lbs before I go see Dr Romaker. I really have tried to do better today. I am actually drinking a big glass of water tonight instead of Diet Sunkist. I did have a couple of cans earlier today. I know that I don't even have to go on a strict diet to lose weight. I just need to cut back and get grazing all day and night. Now I made that sound easy didn't I. It isn't easy. I have tried today to not eat until late in the day. Once I start I can't stop. It's like opening Pandora's box...everything is game. I still spend most of my day sitting on the couch. I did go out and pull weeds tonight not much but at least I got up. Mike and I went to Outback's and split an order of cheese fries. I had to have the full order instead of the half order. We weren't able to finish it as usual. My mind thinks I can eat more than I can. I am afraid I won't have enough. Crazy thinking. I came home and ate 2 oatmeal cookies and some pb pretzels. I want to done for the night. It is 9:30 I am going to try my best to stop. I hope I can do it. I might have to go to bed early. Tomorrow I am going to hang out with Steph. Yeah something to do!! I really don't like being this fat. But I am in a comfort zone that is well known to me. Crossing my fingers....trying to make it through the night.

Okay the kids are gone, my life is normal again. Yet I find that I am lonely. I think I eat just out of boredom. I need to find a passion or purpose in life. I found out that yet another one of our friends has cancer, stage 4. I can't keep burying my friends...yet here I sit eating myself to death?? I am trying to breakaway from the diet pop by drinking decaf ice tea. Unfortunately, I am still eating cookies with it. I did eat the Milk Duds as I predicted I would...but I threw half of the box away. Yeah!! I put the Milk Duds on my lap top while I was eating them so I wouldn't have to reach too far for them. I forgot about them???how did that happen??? They melting from the heat of the computer....yucko. But I discovered that although messy they are very good warm. The next morning I also discovered one lonely Milk Dud on my brown couch...pop into my mouth it went. I am embrassed that my eating habits are displayed around the house like that.

It was my intent to keep a food diary of sorts, writing down everything that goes into my mouth...I eat too much to keep up with myself. I did go to the movies yesterday with my sister and didn't eat popcorn. Yeh!! I did have my Diet Sunkist to drink though. I had started my day with diareaha again...thinking to myself...yes this will be the day I start my diet....wrong. I lived that day just as all the others before it.

I just don't seem to motivated. I did talk to my daughter this morning and she was on her way to W.W. Hmmm, maybe that is my sign?? I went to the WW website to find a meeting in my area. There is one in Lee's Summit, maybe I will try it. I make no promises...but at least I am open to it. I am interested to see where this blog will lead me one year from now.

Today is Saturday and I have started it our with a cup of coffee...followed by Windmill cookies...it isnt looking good.

Okay it was a busy night...I had the other 2 grandkids tonite too. I made mac & cheese and brocolli. I had a small portion on a small plate but before it was over I was eating out of the pan at the sink....does that count? I just finished eating peanut butter pretzels...washing that down with yet another Diet Sunkist. I am still hungry. I am going to be brutally honest in this blog. I can't promise that I am done for the night either. I have a box of Milk Duds in my room calling my name. I know I will eat them. I want them now but I will ate myself for doing it.

How am I going to lose this weight?

I think the best way to make this decision is to stop looking in the mirror and look instead at a candid photo of yourself. A photo that doesn't allow you to hide behind your children, husband, the dog or a chair....why one time I tried to hide my body behind my purse...even I don't have a purse that big! I don't have a plan as of yet today. I have looked on the Nutrisystem website...only to be frighten away by a live chat person...probably someone in India that doesn't have enough food to overeat in the first place. I felt like I had been caught with my hand in the cookie jar...I ran away like the coward that I am. I am very lazy right now. I seem to have mad a permanent indenture in my couch. It feels warm and safe there, I like it. I don't like to leave it. I don't like to walk...I need to walk but I can't seem to get myself to do it. I miss having energy. I had WLS in Nov 2002. I weighed over 300lbs. I lost down to 150 lbs and my energy level soared beyond belief. It was wonderful. It was magic and I miss it. I didn't like weighing 150lbs. It was scary to me. When the wind blew really hard my body moved in the wind. It scared me. I had never experienced that involuntary movement before. I didn't stay there long. I wore a size 10 jeans but I always when directly to the Women Dept in the stores...it was my safety zone. I know how to shop for fat clothes....I don't even know what dept to show it for size 10. It was too much for me to handle.

I see that a new movie is ready to be released this summer, Julie & Julia. It is about a girl named Julie that blogs her way through Julia Child cookbook, trying everything in there. I thought that is what I should do, blog my way through all the diet plans out there and see what works for me. Meanwhile, I can share with you how I am doing. A commitment of sorts to invisible readers...maybe someday I will even have followers! Wouldn't that be great?? Eeewww I don't like commitment. What if people started to rely on me to be perfect to not make mistakes...what if I failed. Wouldn't it be an easier road to just stay on my invisible perch in the privacy of my own home?

You see I am still in the decision making stage of weight loss. Do I really want to stop eating? Am I done? Will I ever be full? Can I give up snacking and eat like a normal person? I haven't fallen into a terible pattern of eating...it is called husband eating. If I see him eating I think I should be eating. The only difference is that he is active, I am not. He is 6'6" and I am 5'3". I cannot eat like he does. I used to go to bed at 10:00 everynight even though I don't work and I don't need to get up early. But by doing that it eliminated hours of snacking. I now stay up until 1:00am eating until my head its the pillow. I drink tons of Diet Sunkist each day. I have tried to kick the habit many times but I keep falling right back in to the same pattern...drink Sunkist...hunger starts again...eat....thristy...eat, you get the picture.

I usually decide to diet on the mornings that start with diareaha, which is almost everyday. I start my day with one cup of coffee and in the bathroom I go. A couple years ago I had a large section of my bowels removed because they had died. My food seems to process out much quicker than most people. Sometimes I use this as an excuse for overeating because I know it won't be with me for long. Once I start eating for the day it goes on forever. I usually don't eat breakfast because I am trying to put off eating as long as I can. Now I know that all the diets in world say breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Bull!! It is just more calories if you ask me.

I have been thinking about losing weight for a long time but each day is a disaster because I can't commit to it. I don't even want to. I know I need to, there is a big difference between need and want. I know my doctor will have a fit if she sees me with this weight back on. The WLS literally saved my life so how could I let this happen? Do I have a death wish? I was given one year to live 7 years ago....I am living on borrowed time and yet I still spiral out of control. It is crazy. I know what an addict feels like. I am so out of control when it comes to food. I love it. I miss it when I don't have it. It is my friend. It is killing me. I live with my husband who tells me he thinks I am beautiful all the time. He loves me having my big boobs again and he loves my big butt!! How lucky is that...no pressure...no snide remarks....just total unconditional love. WOW! isn't that what we live for? Isn't that supposed to be enough?

Today while pondering weight loss ( I am only to the pondering stage mind you) I ate a plate of spaghetti followed later by potato chips. I wanted my potato chips so badly that when I went out to the garage to visit my husband I chose to hold on to my chips instead of the chair on wheels. You guessed it I ended up on my big butt on the floor with half of my chips on the floor next to me. I laughed, my husband was startled to say the least. He gracious helped me off the floor and picked up my chips and handed them back to me!! I latered consoled myself with a think Klondike bar and it is only 4:20 pm! I am hoping that by writing daily or at least trying to I can hold myself accountable for what I am doing to myself. I weighed right after eating my Klondike and saw the number on the scale reading 214lbs! I had quit weighing because I didn't want to know. By not weighing everyday like I used to I gained another 10lbs!

I can't tell you how this story is going to end...I can't even tell you that I like the beginning all that well. I like to write, I like my laptop so maybe just maybe this can work for me. I make no promises to you or me...I might try and I might not be ready. For today this is all I can do.