I really have been trying to make better choices because I don't want to diet. I am up very late at night so that leaves lots of time to eat. I am trying to limit my Diet Sunkist to 2 a day for now. I have actually sat here at night with ice water. Good for me. I went bowling on Weds with Steph. It was so much fun to get out there and exercise. We shopped all day and split nachos for lunch at Chillis. Not a perfect day but a good day for me. It felt good just getting out of the house. I want to start volunteering at the hospital. It is just a matter of of commitment. I seem to have a big problem with that for some reason. It is like I think if I make a commitment something better will come along and I will miss it.
I weighed today 208, up one pound. We went to a late dinner last night with Jessica and Justin. I really enjoy being with them. I hope they get married soon. I don't know what the problem is but I want to stay out of it. I really don't know what I am going to do. I think I am waiting for a magic fairy to come along and touch me with her magic wand. I know I don't want to pay anymore for any surgery. It is a waste of money and selfish on my part. Mike keeps his weight off I should too. I will continue to try or at least try to get motivated.
Crossing my fingers for yet another day....
Friday, July 31, 2009
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Tuesday
I got up the courage to weigh today...207. I want to lose 10lbs before I go see Dr Romaker. I really have tried to do better today. I am actually drinking a big glass of water tonight instead of Diet Sunkist. I did have a couple of cans earlier today. I know that I don't even have to go on a strict diet to lose weight. I just need to cut back and get grazing all day and night. Now I made that sound easy didn't I. It isn't easy. I have tried today to not eat until late in the day. Once I start I can't stop. It's like opening Pandora's box...everything is game. I still spend most of my day sitting on the couch. I did go out and pull weeds tonight not much but at least I got up. Mike and I went to Outback's and split an order of cheese fries. I had to have the full order instead of the half order. We weren't able to finish it as usual. My mind thinks I can eat more than I can. I am afraid I won't have enough. Crazy thinking. I came home and ate 2 oatmeal cookies and some pb pretzels. I want to done for the night. It is 9:30 I am going to try my best to stop. I hope I can do it. I might have to go to bed early. Tomorrow I am going to hang out with Steph. Yeah something to do!! I really don't like being this fat. But I am in a comfort zone that is well known to me. Crossing my fingers....trying to make it through the night.
Saturday, July 25, 2009
Okay the kids are gone, my life is normal again. Yet I find that I am lonely. I think I eat just out of boredom. I need to find a passion or purpose in life. I found out that yet another one of our friends has cancer, stage 4. I can't keep burying my friends...yet here I sit eating myself to death?? I am trying to breakaway from the diet pop by drinking decaf ice tea. Unfortunately, I am still eating cookies with it. I did eat the Milk Duds as I predicted I would...but I threw half of the box away. Yeah!! I put the Milk Duds on my lap top while I was eating them so I wouldn't have to reach too far for them. I forgot about them???how did that happen??? They melting from the heat of the computer....yucko. But I discovered that although messy they are very good warm. The next morning I also discovered one lonely Milk Dud on my brown couch...pop into my mouth it went. I am embrassed that my eating habits are displayed around the house like that.
It was my intent to keep a food diary of sorts, writing down everything that goes into my mouth...I eat too much to keep up with myself. I did go to the movies yesterday with my sister and didn't eat popcorn. Yeh!! I did have my Diet Sunkist to drink though. I had started my day with diareaha again...thinking to myself...yes this will be the day I start my diet....wrong. I lived that day just as all the others before it.
I just don't seem to motivated. I did talk to my daughter this morning and she was on her way to W.W. Hmmm, maybe that is my sign?? I went to the WW website to find a meeting in my area. There is one in Lee's Summit, maybe I will try it. I make no promises...but at least I am open to it. I am interested to see where this blog will lead me one year from now.
Today is Saturday and I have started it our with a cup of coffee...followed by Windmill cookies...it isnt looking good.
It was my intent to keep a food diary of sorts, writing down everything that goes into my mouth...I eat too much to keep up with myself. I did go to the movies yesterday with my sister and didn't eat popcorn. Yeh!! I did have my Diet Sunkist to drink though. I had started my day with diareaha again...thinking to myself...yes this will be the day I start my diet....wrong. I lived that day just as all the others before it.
I just don't seem to motivated. I did talk to my daughter this morning and she was on her way to W.W. Hmmm, maybe that is my sign?? I went to the WW website to find a meeting in my area. There is one in Lee's Summit, maybe I will try it. I make no promises...but at least I am open to it. I am interested to see where this blog will lead me one year from now.
Today is Saturday and I have started it our with a cup of coffee...followed by Windmill cookies...it isnt looking good.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Okay it was a busy night...I had the other 2 grandkids tonite too. I made mac & cheese and brocolli. I had a small portion on a small plate but before it was over I was eating out of the pan at the sink....does that count? I just finished eating peanut butter pretzels...washing that down with yet another Diet Sunkist. I am still hungry. I am going to be brutally honest in this blog. I can't promise that I am done for the night either. I have a box of Milk Duds in my room calling my name. I know I will eat them. I want them now but I will ate myself for doing it.
How am I going to lose this weight?
I think the best way to make this decision is to stop looking in the mirror and look instead at a candid photo of yourself. A photo that doesn't allow you to hide behind your children, husband, the dog or a chair....why one time I tried to hide my body behind my purse...even I don't have a purse that big! I don't have a plan as of yet today. I have looked on the Nutrisystem website...only to be frighten away by a live chat person...probably someone in India that doesn't have enough food to overeat in the first place. I felt like I had been caught with my hand in the cookie jar...I ran away like the coward that I am. I am very lazy right now. I seem to have mad a permanent indenture in my couch. It feels warm and safe there, I like it. I don't like to leave it. I don't like to walk...I need to walk but I can't seem to get myself to do it. I miss having energy. I had WLS in Nov 2002. I weighed over 300lbs. I lost down to 150 lbs and my energy level soared beyond belief. It was wonderful. It was magic and I miss it. I didn't like weighing 150lbs. It was scary to me. When the wind blew really hard my body moved in the wind. It scared me. I had never experienced that involuntary movement before. I didn't stay there long. I wore a size 10 jeans but I always when directly to the Women Dept in the stores...it was my safety zone. I know how to shop for fat clothes....I don't even know what dept to show it for size 10. It was too much for me to handle.
I see that a new movie is ready to be released this summer, Julie & Julia. It is about a girl named Julie that blogs her way through Julia Child cookbook, trying everything in there. I thought that is what I should do, blog my way through all the diet plans out there and see what works for me. Meanwhile, I can share with you how I am doing. A commitment of sorts to invisible readers...maybe someday I will even have followers! Wouldn't that be great?? Eeewww I don't like commitment. What if people started to rely on me to be perfect to not make mistakes...what if I failed. Wouldn't it be an easier road to just stay on my invisible perch in the privacy of my own home?
You see I am still in the decision making stage of weight loss. Do I really want to stop eating? Am I done? Will I ever be full? Can I give up snacking and eat like a normal person? I haven't fallen into a terible pattern of eating...it is called husband eating. If I see him eating I think I should be eating. The only difference is that he is active, I am not. He is 6'6" and I am 5'3". I cannot eat like he does. I used to go to bed at 10:00 everynight even though I don't work and I don't need to get up early. But by doing that it eliminated hours of snacking. I now stay up until 1:00am eating until my head its the pillow. I drink tons of Diet Sunkist each day. I have tried to kick the habit many times but I keep falling right back in to the same pattern...drink Sunkist...hunger starts again...eat....thristy...eat, you get the picture.
I usually decide to diet on the mornings that start with diareaha, which is almost everyday. I start my day with one cup of coffee and in the bathroom I go. A couple years ago I had a large section of my bowels removed because they had died. My food seems to process out much quicker than most people. Sometimes I use this as an excuse for overeating because I know it won't be with me for long. Once I start eating for the day it goes on forever. I usually don't eat breakfast because I am trying to put off eating as long as I can. Now I know that all the diets in world say breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Bull!! It is just more calories if you ask me.
I have been thinking about losing weight for a long time but each day is a disaster because I can't commit to it. I don't even want to. I know I need to, there is a big difference between need and want. I know my doctor will have a fit if she sees me with this weight back on. The WLS literally saved my life so how could I let this happen? Do I have a death wish? I was given one year to live 7 years ago....I am living on borrowed time and yet I still spiral out of control. It is crazy. I know what an addict feels like. I am so out of control when it comes to food. I love it. I miss it when I don't have it. It is my friend. It is killing me. I live with my husband who tells me he thinks I am beautiful all the time. He loves me having my big boobs again and he loves my big butt!! How lucky is that...no pressure...no snide remarks....just total unconditional love. WOW! isn't that what we live for? Isn't that supposed to be enough?
Today while pondering weight loss ( I am only to the pondering stage mind you) I ate a plate of spaghetti followed later by potato chips. I wanted my potato chips so badly that when I went out to the garage to visit my husband I chose to hold on to my chips instead of the chair on wheels. You guessed it I ended up on my big butt on the floor with half of my chips on the floor next to me. I laughed, my husband was startled to say the least. He gracious helped me off the floor and picked up my chips and handed them back to me!! I latered consoled myself with a think Klondike bar and it is only 4:20 pm! I am hoping that by writing daily or at least trying to I can hold myself accountable for what I am doing to myself. I weighed right after eating my Klondike and saw the number on the scale reading 214lbs! I had quit weighing because I didn't want to know. By not weighing everyday like I used to I gained another 10lbs!
I can't tell you how this story is going to end...I can't even tell you that I like the beginning all that well. I like to write, I like my laptop so maybe just maybe this can work for me. I make no promises to you or me...I might try and I might not be ready. For today this is all I can do.
I see that a new movie is ready to be released this summer, Julie & Julia. It is about a girl named Julie that blogs her way through Julia Child cookbook, trying everything in there. I thought that is what I should do, blog my way through all the diet plans out there and see what works for me. Meanwhile, I can share with you how I am doing. A commitment of sorts to invisible readers...maybe someday I will even have followers! Wouldn't that be great?? Eeewww I don't like commitment. What if people started to rely on me to be perfect to not make mistakes...what if I failed. Wouldn't it be an easier road to just stay on my invisible perch in the privacy of my own home?
You see I am still in the decision making stage of weight loss. Do I really want to stop eating? Am I done? Will I ever be full? Can I give up snacking and eat like a normal person? I haven't fallen into a terible pattern of eating...it is called husband eating. If I see him eating I think I should be eating. The only difference is that he is active, I am not. He is 6'6" and I am 5'3". I cannot eat like he does. I used to go to bed at 10:00 everynight even though I don't work and I don't need to get up early. But by doing that it eliminated hours of snacking. I now stay up until 1:00am eating until my head its the pillow. I drink tons of Diet Sunkist each day. I have tried to kick the habit many times but I keep falling right back in to the same pattern...drink Sunkist...hunger starts again...eat....thristy...eat, you get the picture.
I usually decide to diet on the mornings that start with diareaha, which is almost everyday. I start my day with one cup of coffee and in the bathroom I go. A couple years ago I had a large section of my bowels removed because they had died. My food seems to process out much quicker than most people. Sometimes I use this as an excuse for overeating because I know it won't be with me for long. Once I start eating for the day it goes on forever. I usually don't eat breakfast because I am trying to put off eating as long as I can. Now I know that all the diets in world say breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Bull!! It is just more calories if you ask me.
I have been thinking about losing weight for a long time but each day is a disaster because I can't commit to it. I don't even want to. I know I need to, there is a big difference between need and want. I know my doctor will have a fit if she sees me with this weight back on. The WLS literally saved my life so how could I let this happen? Do I have a death wish? I was given one year to live 7 years ago....I am living on borrowed time and yet I still spiral out of control. It is crazy. I know what an addict feels like. I am so out of control when it comes to food. I love it. I miss it when I don't have it. It is my friend. It is killing me. I live with my husband who tells me he thinks I am beautiful all the time. He loves me having my big boobs again and he loves my big butt!! How lucky is that...no pressure...no snide remarks....just total unconditional love. WOW! isn't that what we live for? Isn't that supposed to be enough?
Today while pondering weight loss ( I am only to the pondering stage mind you) I ate a plate of spaghetti followed later by potato chips. I wanted my potato chips so badly that when I went out to the garage to visit my husband I chose to hold on to my chips instead of the chair on wheels. You guessed it I ended up on my big butt on the floor with half of my chips on the floor next to me. I laughed, my husband was startled to say the least. He gracious helped me off the floor and picked up my chips and handed them back to me!! I latered consoled myself with a think Klondike bar and it is only 4:20 pm! I am hoping that by writing daily or at least trying to I can hold myself accountable for what I am doing to myself. I weighed right after eating my Klondike and saw the number on the scale reading 214lbs! I had quit weighing because I didn't want to know. By not weighing everyday like I used to I gained another 10lbs!
I can't tell you how this story is going to end...I can't even tell you that I like the beginning all that well. I like to write, I like my laptop so maybe just maybe this can work for me. I make no promises to you or me...I might try and I might not be ready. For today this is all I can do.
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