Healthclub

Ok, I joined the Health Club in Belton. I attended orientation and learned how to use the machines and did a workout. Yea! Today I went bowling and then I went to the HC and walked one mile on the track. That is 12x around that track. I walked briskly. I did it! I did it! All by myself, I am sooo proud of myself. I didn't go buy ice cream afterward. I came home and had a low calorie ice cram bar!! I weighed 219 today. I am trying to cut back on my diet pop too. Cross your fingers for me! We will see, my heart isn't in it, I am just doing the motions right now. But that is better than sitting on the couch.

Sept 25 2009

Today I joined the Belton Health Club....it is a start. Now I have to go. I weigh 214 on my scale. I have cut way back on drinking diet pop at home. I am still eating too much. I went to see Dr Romaker, I expected her to ream me out about my weight but she didn't. I have been really depressed lately for no reason. I am sure it is a chemical imbalance. I am going to go see a phychatrist in Nov to find a good antidepressant for me. I want to start moving again. I am lazy and I just sit on my couch all the time. I am losing my mind. I am going to call to reschedule an appt for volunteer work. The doctor thought that it would be okay for me to do that. I hope I follow through. I am starting to feel like a slob again and I don't like that feeling. We will see what happens next.

Friday 8/6/09

I went to the doctor yesterday to get my yearly pelvic exam. I had to step on the scales there, 212!! Those scales are probaly accurate. I don't want to weight over 200lbs, so I need to do something NOW! Here I sit with my first Diet Sunkist of the day, I am sure that many will follow. Maybe today I can make a pitcher of Iced Tea. At least it is decaf, but I think the sweetener is the problem. It makes me hungry. I wonder if I went back to sugar like we had back in the olden days if it would create hunger. We have so many additives to our food now it is no wonder everyone has cancer and everyone is obese.

I see myself continuing to grow. I even shop that way knowing to buy big because I am going to need it. I am really depressed and I am ashamed of being depressed because I have a dream life. I am so lucky why would I do this to myself. I really think I need to go back to work but I don't think I will. I miss interacting with people. I am lonely. I am reliving my life with Frank in writing my blog. It is good to see how far I have come.

Monday

I know without a doubt I am addicted to Diet Sunkist...It is like being an alcoholic. I feel myself taking swigs of it and rolling it in my mouth like it is a fine wine or something. I have been watching TV a lot so I see tons of weight loss commercials. yet none of them appeal to me. I know that any diet you start the minute you stop it all comes back with more! I know that all I need to do is cut back and start moving. Now I am an intelligent person so why don't I just do it? I break so many promises to myself, I don't know why I even try.

I just keep growing. Why can't you get to a certain weight and then just maintain it? Why is it such a struggle? I know other people in my life that don't seem to struggle with food. How do they do it? Is this my cross to bear? If I could stay healthy I would be okay with it but I won't be healthy long at this rate.

I hate feeling this way. I hate getting up in the morning with nothing to do. I hate going to bed at night knowing that tomorrow will be just like yesterday. I hate whining because most people would kill to have my life.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Friday 7/31/09

I really have been trying to make better choices because I don't want to diet. I am up very late at night so that leaves lots of time to eat. I am trying to limit my Diet Sunkist to 2 a day for now. I have actually sat here at night with ice water. Good for me. I went bowling on Weds with Steph. It was so much fun to get out there and exercise. We shopped all day and split nachos for lunch at Chillis. Not a perfect day but a good day for me. It felt good just getting out of the house. I want to start volunteering at the hospital. It is just a matter of of commitment. I seem to have a big problem with that for some reason. It is like I think if I make a commitment something better will come along and I will miss it.

I weighed today 208, up one pound. We went to a late dinner last night with Jessica and Justin. I really enjoy being with them. I hope they get married soon. I don't know what the problem is but I want to stay out of it. I really don't know what I am going to do. I think I am waiting for a magic fairy to come along and touch me with her magic wand. I know I don't want to pay anymore for any surgery. It is a waste of money and selfish on my part. Mike keeps his weight off I should too. I will continue to try or at least try to get motivated.

Crossing my fingers for yet another day....

Tuesday

I got up the courage to weigh today...207. I want to lose 10lbs before I go see Dr Romaker. I really have tried to do better today. I am actually drinking a big glass of water tonight instead of Diet Sunkist. I did have a couple of cans earlier today. I know that I don't even have to go on a strict diet to lose weight. I just need to cut back and get grazing all day and night. Now I made that sound easy didn't I. It isn't easy. I have tried today to not eat until late in the day. Once I start I can't stop. It's like opening Pandora's box...everything is game. I still spend most of my day sitting on the couch. I did go out and pull weeds tonight not much but at least I got up. Mike and I went to Outback's and split an order of cheese fries. I had to have the full order instead of the half order. We weren't able to finish it as usual. My mind thinks I can eat more than I can. I am afraid I won't have enough. Crazy thinking. I came home and ate 2 oatmeal cookies and some pb pretzels. I want to done for the night. It is 9:30 I am going to try my best to stop. I hope I can do it. I might have to go to bed early. Tomorrow I am going to hang out with Steph. Yeah something to do!! I really don't like being this fat. But I am in a comfort zone that is well known to me. Crossing my fingers....trying to make it through the night.

Okay the kids are gone, my life is normal again. Yet I find that I am lonely. I think I eat just out of boredom. I need to find a passion or purpose in life. I found out that yet another one of our friends has cancer, stage 4. I can't keep burying my friends...yet here I sit eating myself to death?? I am trying to breakaway from the diet pop by drinking decaf ice tea. Unfortunately, I am still eating cookies with it. I did eat the Milk Duds as I predicted I would...but I threw half of the box away. Yeah!! I put the Milk Duds on my lap top while I was eating them so I wouldn't have to reach too far for them. I forgot about them???how did that happen??? They melting from the heat of the computer....yucko. But I discovered that although messy they are very good warm. The next morning I also discovered one lonely Milk Dud on my brown couch...pop into my mouth it went. I am embrassed that my eating habits are displayed around the house like that.

It was my intent to keep a food diary of sorts, writing down everything that goes into my mouth...I eat too much to keep up with myself. I did go to the movies yesterday with my sister and didn't eat popcorn. Yeh!! I did have my Diet Sunkist to drink though. I had started my day with diareaha again...thinking to myself...yes this will be the day I start my diet....wrong. I lived that day just as all the others before it.

I just don't seem to motivated. I did talk to my daughter this morning and she was on her way to W.W. Hmmm, maybe that is my sign?? I went to the WW website to find a meeting in my area. There is one in Lee's Summit, maybe I will try it. I make no promises...but at least I am open to it. I am interested to see where this blog will lead me one year from now.

Today is Saturday and I have started it our with a cup of coffee...followed by Windmill cookies...it isnt looking good.