How am I going to lose this weight?

I think the best way to make this decision is to stop looking in the mirror and look instead at a candid photo of yourself. A photo that doesn't allow you to hide behind your children, husband, the dog or a chair....why one time I tried to hide my body behind my purse...even I don't have a purse that big! I don't have a plan as of yet today. I have looked on the Nutrisystem website...only to be frighten away by a live chat person...probably someone in India that doesn't have enough food to overeat in the first place. I felt like I had been caught with my hand in the cookie jar...I ran away like the coward that I am. I am very lazy right now. I seem to have mad a permanent indenture in my couch. It feels warm and safe there, I like it. I don't like to leave it. I don't like to walk...I need to walk but I can't seem to get myself to do it. I miss having energy. I had WLS in Nov 2002. I weighed over 300lbs. I lost down to 150 lbs and my energy level soared beyond belief. It was wonderful. It was magic and I miss it. I didn't like weighing 150lbs. It was scary to me. When the wind blew really hard my body moved in the wind. It scared me. I had never experienced that involuntary movement before. I didn't stay there long. I wore a size 10 jeans but I always when directly to the Women Dept in the stores...it was my safety zone. I know how to shop for fat clothes....I don't even know what dept to show it for size 10. It was too much for me to handle.

I see that a new movie is ready to be released this summer, Julie & Julia. It is about a girl named Julie that blogs her way through Julia Child cookbook, trying everything in there. I thought that is what I should do, blog my way through all the diet plans out there and see what works for me. Meanwhile, I can share with you how I am doing. A commitment of sorts to invisible readers...maybe someday I will even have followers! Wouldn't that be great?? Eeewww I don't like commitment. What if people started to rely on me to be perfect to not make mistakes...what if I failed. Wouldn't it be an easier road to just stay on my invisible perch in the privacy of my own home?

You see I am still in the decision making stage of weight loss. Do I really want to stop eating? Am I done? Will I ever be full? Can I give up snacking and eat like a normal person? I haven't fallen into a terible pattern of eating...it is called husband eating. If I see him eating I think I should be eating. The only difference is that he is active, I am not. He is 6'6" and I am 5'3". I cannot eat like he does. I used to go to bed at 10:00 everynight even though I don't work and I don't need to get up early. But by doing that it eliminated hours of snacking. I now stay up until 1:00am eating until my head its the pillow. I drink tons of Diet Sunkist each day. I have tried to kick the habit many times but I keep falling right back in to the same pattern...drink Sunkist...hunger starts again...eat....thristy...eat, you get the picture.

I usually decide to diet on the mornings that start with diareaha, which is almost everyday. I start my day with one cup of coffee and in the bathroom I go. A couple years ago I had a large section of my bowels removed because they had died. My food seems to process out much quicker than most people. Sometimes I use this as an excuse for overeating because I know it won't be with me for long. Once I start eating for the day it goes on forever. I usually don't eat breakfast because I am trying to put off eating as long as I can. Now I know that all the diets in world say breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Bull!! It is just more calories if you ask me.

I have been thinking about losing weight for a long time but each day is a disaster because I can't commit to it. I don't even want to. I know I need to, there is a big difference between need and want. I know my doctor will have a fit if she sees me with this weight back on. The WLS literally saved my life so how could I let this happen? Do I have a death wish? I was given one year to live 7 years ago....I am living on borrowed time and yet I still spiral out of control. It is crazy. I know what an addict feels like. I am so out of control when it comes to food. I love it. I miss it when I don't have it. It is my friend. It is killing me. I live with my husband who tells me he thinks I am beautiful all the time. He loves me having my big boobs again and he loves my big butt!! How lucky is that...no pressure...no snide remarks....just total unconditional love. WOW! isn't that what we live for? Isn't that supposed to be enough?

Today while pondering weight loss ( I am only to the pondering stage mind you) I ate a plate of spaghetti followed later by potato chips. I wanted my potato chips so badly that when I went out to the garage to visit my husband I chose to hold on to my chips instead of the chair on wheels. You guessed it I ended up on my big butt on the floor with half of my chips on the floor next to me. I laughed, my husband was startled to say the least. He gracious helped me off the floor and picked up my chips and handed them back to me!! I latered consoled myself with a think Klondike bar and it is only 4:20 pm! I am hoping that by writing daily or at least trying to I can hold myself accountable for what I am doing to myself. I weighed right after eating my Klondike and saw the number on the scale reading 214lbs! I had quit weighing because I didn't want to know. By not weighing everyday like I used to I gained another 10lbs!

I can't tell you how this story is going to end...I can't even tell you that I like the beginning all that well. I like to write, I like my laptop so maybe just maybe this can work for me. I make no promises to you or me...I might try and I might not be ready. For today this is all I can do.